Mandatory Explanations

I keep tripping over myself
Trying to explain
Feeling as though
Explanations are still mandatory
For EVERYTHING
The more I try to explain
The more rediculous I seem
Explaining my way out of explanations
Really tired
Really confused
Because I don't want to be tricked
I still have my guard up
But it's coming apart in pieces
Perhaps this breakdown
Is more like a breakthrough
A realization that I've been trying
To be someone else
Because I wanted the attention
And the reactions I've always been used to
The only thing I know how to do
Because I've always been expected to
And I'm supposed to feel good about this
I'm supposed to have hopes and be optimistic
When I am confused
About my wall coming apart
Because I used to be
And have always been
Much stronger than this
Much stronger
Than I've ever needed to be
And showing you that I am weak
Is not the way I want you to see me
I want you to see the real me