Not Like This

I think I know the reason
Why my emotions are conflicted
Why I am afflicted
I know something is happening
That I am afraid of
It is something I've wanted
And from all angles I get messages:
Don't have any expectations
Which I don't
I can't even hope for fear
Fear of hoping too hard
For what? For something I deny myself?
Because I've always felt like I didn't deserve?
What purpose does it serve?
Suspicion always creeps in
Wherever it's not welcomed
A devil disguised as friendly advice
When all I want to do is just hold on
Because I might not get another chance
Not like this: Is how I feel about it
But I can't read minds
And "Not like this"
Might means something else
To someone else
It's hard to believe you when you say it's ok
Because I keep thinking it's not
I want to fix it, but I make it worse
Accidentally, yet intentionally
because I still have to master control
And I try to pretend that I am good enough
Because I want to be
Because I spent too long thinking: I'll never be
I'm scared of what I think you think of me
Whenever I'm happy
There's a flag that warns me
That something is just not right
That there's a reason for it
There's something behind it
Even though there is no reason for it
Nothing behind it